How to Cope When Your Parents Don't Like the Person You Love
It will probably happen to you at least once
in your life. You'll fall for somebody that your parents don't like. Sometimes
their disapproval will be valid, other times it will be irrational, but no
matter what it will be hard for you to deal with.
What do you do when your parents can't stand
the person you’re dating? Before taking on the role of diplomat, or even worse
the role of family agitator, there are some things that you need to examine.
You need to take an honest look at your romantic motivations and the reasons
for your parents' objections.
Examining
Your Motivations
Why are you dating this person? Be brutally
honest. Are you crazy in love or loving driving your parents crazy? If you are
motivated by rebellion the simplest and right thing to do is end the
relationship.
It isn't fair for you to use somebody else to
get to your parents. With the relationship out of the way you will be able to focus
on the real issue of why you feel the need to resort to such drastic rebellion
in the first place.
Do you have real and deep feelings for this
person, or do you have less heart felt reasons for the relationship? Are you
dating this person because of pressure from friends or in the name of
popularity?
If your feelings are based on your reputation
rather than your heart you are being unfair to the person you're dating and
your parents. Take a step back and ask yourself if the relationship is really
worth all the drama it is causing. Chances are good the answer will be no and
your problem will solve itself.
What if It's
Love?
Love doesn’t always make sense. People fall
in love for many different reasons. Opposites can attract and people can find
themselves in relationships that look weird to the outside world. When you find
love it can make anything seem possible.
When your parents object to your love it can
feel like they just don’t understand. It can be confusing and upsetting. You
love your parents but your relationship is important to you as well. If you are
in a good and loving relationship you will do whatever it takes to protect it,
even go against your parents.
Examining
Your Parents' Objections
Sometimes you have to fight for love. If your
parents don’t like the person you love you will definitely have a fight on your
hands. It is important for you understand where your parents are coming from
and why they disapprove of the relationship. When you know why they object to
your relationship you will be better able to reason with them and stand up for
your love.
Some of the reasons your parents disapprove
may seem silly, others may seem wrong and some may actually have merit. It is
up to you to look at the whole situation and see if your parents are seeing
something you aren't or if they are acting from a place of ignorance.
When Your
Parents Are Wrong
Parents are not always right. Objections
based on racism, classism, religious bias or homophobias are not acceptable.
While your parents may have the best of intentions with these types of
objections you need to hold your ground and not give in to their bigotry.
Your parents are likely objecting because
they fear for you. They are probably worried about how the world will react to
your relationship. Being in an unconventional relationship can be difficult.
The world can be a cruel place. Your parents are probably worried about seeing
you struggle. Their reaction is wrong but it is based on their love for you and
their desire to see you get the best out of life.
Sometimes parents cling to outdated social
attitudes. They hold on to ideas that are not shared by your generation. If
this is the case, if your parents are trying to get you to conform to their
biases, you need to stand your ground. You need to tell them that in this
situation you will never see things their way. Suggest that in this case you
should agree to disagree. They probably won’t like this but they don’t have to.
Objections based on bigotry are wrong even when they come from your parents.
When Your
Parents Are Right
When you are in love you may be blind to your
partner’s flaws. Your parents aren’t so easily fooled. They can often see
things in your relationship that you are unwilling or unable to see. They love
you and want what is best for you and seeing you in a bad relationship is hard.
Of course they will disapprove!
When your parents see something in your
relationship that they don’t like you need to listen to what they have to say.
You may not agree with them after you hear their point of view but it is
important that you hear them out.
If your parents have heard bad things about
your partner, if they have seen behaviors they don’t like or if they are
worried that you are being hurt, they are going to object to your relationship.
You need to try to listen to them without getting defensive. They may be right.
If you have started doing harmful things
because of your partner, like alcohol or drugs, your parents have a valid
concern. Your parents have a right to speak up if your grades are dropping, if
you’re losing friends or if you have stopped doing the things you used to love
to do. Listen to them. It is not healthy for any relationship to consume your
life. Your parents may be able to see that this is happening when you can not.
Finding
Peace
Love can feel very good. It can change you in
some very positive ways. If your love has a positive influence in your life it
is worth holding on to even if your parents object.
When love gets shady you need to rethink the
relationship. You should never lose your life when you fall in love. Friends,
family, hobbies and school are all still important. Being in love should not
mean you give these things up. If your love is making you lose yourself it's
time for a change.
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